Policeman to Blade – â€œYou can keep doing your song and dance as long as you want, Blade â€“ Itâ€™s not gonna play.â€ (Oh I do so love being able to use a quote from a movie to begin a review!)
Blade â€“ Trinity is an unfortunate mishmash of film styles, genres, and clichÃ©s that ends up neither laughably bad (Catwoman) or simply boring (Elektra), but instead is just a garden variety piss poor action movie.
The idea here is that the vampires have decided they need Draculaâ€™s blood for some reason or another. They find him hiding spider hole style in Iraq and talk him into killing their hybrid nemesis, Blade (Wesley Snipes).
First, the good guys: Snipes is OK, but you can sense that even he knows Blade is now more caricature than character. Jessica Biel (Abigail Whistler) is pedestrian, but adds a nice bit of babysitter next door meets Mia Hamm athletic sex appeal and a pointless slow motion shower scene. Ryan Reynolds (Hannibal King), while the least action-oriented, is probably my favorite of the trinity and occasionally lends a nice comedic touch.
Now the baddies: Dominic Purcell (Dracula) is boring from beginning to end and played the vampire patriarch with more of a 70â€™s open shirt macho than the metro vibe I think would have worked better (Goyer, gimme a call next time!). Parker Posey (Danica Talos), completely wasted as she continues to try to find her way in non-Guest vehicles, plays the pouty bitch-pire with fangs in her naughty bits. (Yes, you read that correctly.) You can tell she’s waiting to cash her check.
The film steals blatantly from a number of movies including The Matrix (â€˜come and get meâ€™ hand wave close-up and general soundtrack timbre), Predator (Draculaâ€™s jaw), and Alien (extra thing attacks from inside bad guyâ€™s mouth). I was initially surprised it didnâ€™t try to lift anything from AVP, but if youâ€™ve seen AVP youâ€™d know why.
Thereâ€™s plenty of slow motion walking to rock music, meaningless multi-angle explosions and trite semi-ironic dialogue to keep your average Bruckheimer-ite remarking â€œDude, that part where the guy blew up the thing was so freakinâ€™ wicked!â€ for a good week or so, but not much else.
The DVD apparently has two discs, although after watching the first I think Iâ€™ll pass on the additional behind-the-scenes tripe. The movie disc has two commentaries, one of which I can only hope is the cast and crew chanting â€œweâ€™re sorryâ€ Gregorian style.
Blade â€“ Trinity is just a shame. The franchise seems to have followed the Wachowski trilogy model and, in the end, bites the hands that feed it, and bleeds them dry.
(Note – For clarityâ€™s sake, I reviewed the theatrical version on the DVD, not the extended version; a fact that I was later very pleased about.)