Iâ€™m tempted to end here in tribute to the â€œShark Sandwichâ€ review in Spinal Tap, but thereâ€™s too much good stuff to tell you about.
The film stars Halle Berryâ€™s admirable torso as Catwoman, and Halle herself as Patience Phillips, a mousy artist for Hedare Cosmetics. But once Phillips gets flushed down the pipes (methinks director, Pitof, has watched The Fugitive one too many times) sheâ€™s transformed into the sexy and morally ambiguous Catwoman. (To be honest, I might have gone with moral and sexually ambiguous instead, but thatâ€™s just me.)
Along the way we meet Benjamin Brattâ€™s Detective Tom Lone (which rhymes with â€œboneâ€ Patienceâ€™s girlfriend informs us) as the requisite ironic love interest, Lambert Wilson as the sinister/tiresome George Hedare, and Sharon Stone as femme banal Laurel Hedare.
The â€œstoryâ€ revolves around an addictive skin cream that has horrible consequences should consumers stop using it. No, seriously. Thatâ€™s it â€“ evil skin cream. But to be fair, the movieâ€™s not really about the story now is it.
Catwoman is about breasts, booty and lots of them! Thereâ€™s plenty of sexy walking, running, jumping and bending over, and all in a skin tight leather â€œcostumeâ€ that leaves little to the imagination.
(Public Service Announcement: Berry puts on the outfit about 51:29 inâ€¦)
Yet, sadly, even this doesnâ€™t help the movie. For the 10-15 minutes of brown sugar, you have to endure Berry hissing at dogs, eating fish and other cat-isms that are so bad that theyâ€™re not even laughable.
Thereâ€™s also a lot of really bad CG thatâ€™s just plain silly. Thereâ€™s a lot of fast cuts throughout the effects shots that try to cover it up, but itâ€™s still piss poor.
I rented Batman Returns and watched Michelle Pfeiffer for some comparison in both costume and attitude and I gotta tell ya, Pfeiffer wins hands down. The skipping jump rope whip, the gleeful sensuality, the breathless post-somersault â€œMeowâ€â€¦ Heck, Lee Meriwetherâ€™s Comrade Kitanya ‘Kitka’ Irenya Tantanya Karenska Alisoff in Batman: The Movie is better than Berry.
For fun I also watched Catwoman while my wife graded papers in the same room and kept track of how many times my wife said â€œyou have got to be kidding me!â€ In 104 minutes I counted 11 outbursts. Thatâ€™s pretty much every ten minutes for those of you without an abacus.
Anyway, by the end we get to see Halle and Sharon in a kung-fu slap fight and Catwoman find her way in a manâ€™s world.
If youâ€™re using Netflix or Blockbusterâ€™s equivalent, it might be worth about 10 minutes of your time for the outfit, but certainly donâ€™t let this black cat cross your rental path.